OUCH hip to be tested

Floyd Landis is returning to mainstream racing in the Tour of California. The Mennonite is low key in his approach, preferring to say that his return is not a comeback.

Something has been forgotten in his return. The man has had a hip replacement.

After breaking the neck of his femur and having necrosis (blood not circulating in bone) he needed to have an operation usually given to osteoporosis stricken grannies.

Just before his fall from grace at the 2006 Tour he gave a press conference to proclaim his attempt to return to top rung cycling after the hip injury. This became a medical marvel akin to cancer comebacks and shooting accidents (see Greg LeMond).

Now that the media limelight has been removed from “Flandis” this story may not get the attention it deserves. Feel good stories are a rarity. When they come along they should be milked.

His own marketing persona has also undergone a huge arc: from a jocular, intelligent, Mennonite’s son, overcoming a hip replacement; to a man with dubious morals, suspect friendships and slanty-eyed.

He did do this to himself.

Tour de France Tip of the Day: Chasing Hurricanes

It is possible to get to watch the start – or up to 30km’s away – of a stage and then make your way to the finish. This can be accomplished if a few basic steps are followed:

1. It must be a flat or transitional stage
2. The stage should at least 180km’s long, or more than 4 hours
3. Park you camper van or car off the route in a slipway before the stage begins, for a quick getaway
4. Pre-plan you route to the finish – giving a wide berth to the official parcours

This is as exciting as it gets. It feels like hurricane chasing, or like you are on “The Amazing Race.”

Nothing will go as planned. Traffic circles, road works and over-zealous Gendarmes will try flummoxing your every move through French countryside and villages. But determination will get you to the finish.

Quick pit-stops for food and libations will get the heart racing. Prepare yourself for explosive arguments between the driver and navigator. These rankles will be forgotten when you dart to the finish line and see Thor and Tom battle for Tour glory.

Be warned – this is only to be undertaken if you have had a medical and cleared by your doctor.

Tour de France Tip of the Day: Small towns show off more

If the stage ends in a small town that’s easily accessible – then make sure you go.

Following the Tour is about choices. Choices are cut down because of Gendarmes sealing access roads and the parcours being closed. These choices are made easier in the non-mountain stages because the town will generally have many routes to the town centre.

Small towns also show off more. All work comes to a halt – and a fête and street carnival are the result.

There are beer tents, bric-a-brac stores, French fries, souvenir shops, bands playing and everything you would expect at a festival.

The village puts on its best face. Make sure you get there to enjoy it.

Racing in the quiet

Stuart O’Grady commented on the quiet at the Beijing Olympic road race.

"It was like silent murder," he said.

Overzealous Chinese officials disallowed fans and family to get onto the course. Only lonely communist sentinels in yellow capes and faces draped the circuit.

It was called a ghost course.

This reminded me of the beginning of the season at the Tour of Qatar - except the only sign of supporters are bemused Arabs watching at a roundabout. At the finish area a desert tent full of the Emirs concubines and eunuchs seem to outnumber the timekeepers. Contrast this with the Tour Down Under about to kick off. Huge crowds are expected and excitement is at fever pitch.

The only silence will be momentary surprise when Lance Armstrong takes a stage win – and then it won’t be for long.

Perms are back

We have to be thankful that cyclist’s are obliged to wear helmets in road races. This is not necessarily for the safety factor – rather, it is to hide some unsightly hairdos.

The perm is back!

Franco Pellizotti has always had frizzy hair, so his hair cannot technically be called a perm, but recently there have been pictures of Mark Cavendish and 2008 Tour winner – Carlos Sastre adorning what look to be perms.

The Spaniard has recently left the confinement of self-professed mind-guru Bjarne Riis and settled for Cervélo TestTeam. And this is how he pays his fans back; with a hairstyle that can be best described as a vaudevillian perm.

The Cav has also allowed his curls to be styled in a somewhat perm fashion. It has made me run back in fear to the cycling archives and dig out the king of perms – Eric Vanderaerden.

His perm sits high above all the others. It is the quintessential perm - the one that all others copy. Unfortunately, Sastre and Co. look like they have done just that.

Find Carlos Sastre's perm at http://www.cervelo.com/riders.aspx#1

Tour de France Tip of the Day: Buy L’Equipe Newspaper

My French is limited to words like maillot jaune, etape, grand départ, dopage and grimpeur. With this limited vocabulary it is surprising that I can travel around France, even with incessant pointing, gesticulating and playing charades (is that a French word?).

In fact, this is the beauty of travelling. Being outside one’s comfort zone and extending your boundaries. And this is why I recommend that you buy the L’Equipe newspaper - for an adventure.

There are loads of pictures, the results section is perfectly legible and some of the graphics and charts are mind-boggling and totally unique. I have kept loads of these newspapers as Tour paraphernalia.

In 60 years time I hope my grand-son (or grand-daughter) dusts my Tour trinkets box open – and reveals my L’Equipe treasure trove, much like the character in “Amelie of Montemartre” does in the telephone booth.

Baden Cooke's Transfer Roulette

One of the unluckiest cyclist's must be Baden Cooke. He spent a year in the Unibet.com squad with all its gambling problems. Then he did a short stint with the on-again off-again Barloworld - and he left the Tour after an injury.

Now he has been shafted by Rock Racing and has moved to little known Italian squad Vacansoleil.

I have warned previously about Rolling Rocks tagline - "Here to stay".

If he was vegetarian, he probably would have signed up for the ephemeral Linda McCartney team.

Wii Cycling

Nintendo Wii has upset the couch-potato cart.

We have been starved for indoor exercise. Before Wii, we had Twister and Jane Fonda workouts. Most middle aged-men who participated in the lounge aerobics where mainly watching Hanoi Jane’s bouncing assets. Now we are calling out for Wii Cycling – the answer to busy roads and life schedules.

The hard truth is that Nintendo Wii and cycling are never likely to merge into a product. Some alternatives are suggested at the end of the article.

Nintendo's pitfalls are:

1. You need a bicycle – Nintendo don’t make white plastic moulds of bikes

2. You need to measure power from the back wheel – this is a specialty area that involves large investment from Nintendo

3. You need resistance – air guitar works; no-chain cycling doesn’t

4. Virtual reality software – riding along and seeing cartoon caricatures and Little Red Riding Hood is not what cyclist would like to see when they are training. The more real the better.

Never mind, there are alternatives already in existence. I happily use the Tacx trainer to web-race in virtual reality or for Real Life Video where I ride along the island of Majorca or some other pre-filmed route.

Check them out at: http://www.tacxvr.com/en

There is also CompuTrainer: http://www.racermateinc.com/computrainer.asp

Let me know if you find any others.

Tour de France Tip of the Day: Stay close to a Village

Wilderness and mountain views are some of the delights to behold in a French July. It is often a toss up to choose between heading to the top of a climb to watch the tour procession, or to make a stand elsewhere.

At least on one occasion you should be at a summit finish, or on a preliminary climb. Time, however, will not be on your side because you will only leave late that evening to go on to the next stage (if you have a car or camper van). A better suggestion is to get positioned near the bottom of the final climb in the village.

In a village, like Le Grand Bornand you have access to many activities and refreshments. There are often ski-lifts, bakeries, delicatessens, ice-cream, L'Equipe, tourist offices, bars, TV’s, shade, festivals, cool drinks, picnic spots, swimming pools, hiking paths – you name it.

A few hours before the cyclist approach then pack your daypack and walk 5-8 km’s up the climb for a good workout, especially if this exercise is additional to a morning ride.

If you are in a remote mountain top finish, you only have what you are carrying and potentially you may not even have access to a big screen or TV to watch the days approach.

Cycling Nations

Ever since the return to trade teams in the 1969 Tour de France, the thought of having national teams has been firmly buried. In the last few months this burnt Phoenix has been squawking.

Notably there has been talk of a British cycling team. There are enough pro’s of British descent to mould a team GB. Riders like Scot David Millar, Manxman Mark Cavendish, Geraint Thomas and Bradley Wiggins are all potential riders on this squad.

Katusha – the new Russki formation has also been promulgating its desire to form an eastern bloc team.

Astana is basically a national team – with a peculiar combination of a Belgian manager, a Spanish leader and baby-making Texan as the co-leader. Vino – the monosyllabic cyclist - is so popular that he could even manifest political desires in his country where its name - Kazakh - means “Man”.

The Basque riders of Euskaltel-Euskadi are a patriotic bunch of cyclists. There a no known links to ETA - the terrorist organization.

The organization of national teams is beset with polemic dilemmas:

• Vinokourov was given a 1 year ban by his fan worshipping national doping agency.
• The Orange clad riders could call on plastique explosive experts to resolve Pyrenean stages.
• Team GB will avoid races like the Sun Tour because of their lily white skins. Just look at Millar’s sun screen bill.
  

All cycling needs is another Cold War and the return of the Peace Race.

Keep national teams out of the ProTour – it will be a lot less messy and probably less bloody too.

Rock Steady Ship

When Rock and Republic tycoon Michael Ball started Rock Racing it was met with mixed feelings in the cycling community.

On the good side there was an injection of sexiness and showmanship into an otherwise traditional arena. His detractors, however, admonished him for using cycling as his own quick-win marketing fiefdom – with no regard for further sullying cycling’s name.

Most fans have stopped to dream of angels on wheels a long time ago. We have become hardened to the professionals who treat our sport with disingenuous disdain.

We understand Rock Racing's logo of a macabre skull with Gabriel’s wings. It is reflective of our sport today.

What I do have a problem with is Michael Ball's marketing men’s tagline – “Here to stay”. It reminds me of the Titanic’s claim to be unsinkable.

How many souls perished in that disaster?

Schumacker-ick-y

There is a man called Schumacker
Who is accused of being a bit of a doper
It was in the Tour

Where he won time trials galore
Whereas before he was more of a back-marker