Wii Cycling

Nintendo Wii has upset the couch-potato cart.

We have been starved for indoor exercise. Before Wii, we had Twister and Jane Fonda workouts. Most middle aged-men who participated in the lounge aerobics where mainly watching Hanoi Jane’s bouncing assets. Now we are calling out for Wii Cycling – the answer to busy roads and life schedules.

The hard truth is that Nintendo Wii and cycling are never likely to merge into a product. Some alternatives are suggested at the end of the article.

Nintendo's pitfalls are:

1. You need a bicycle – Nintendo don’t make white plastic moulds of bikes

2. You need to measure power from the back wheel – this is a specialty area that involves large investment from Nintendo

3. You need resistance – air guitar works; no-chain cycling doesn’t

4. Virtual reality software – riding along and seeing cartoon caricatures and Little Red Riding Hood is not what cyclist would like to see when they are training. The more real the better.

Never mind, there are alternatives already in existence. I happily use the Tacx trainer to web-race in virtual reality or for Real Life Video where I ride along the island of Majorca or some other pre-filmed route.

Check them out at: http://www.tacxvr.com/en

There is also CompuTrainer: http://www.racermateinc.com/computrainer.asp

Let me know if you find any others.

Tour de France Tip of the Day: Stay close to a Village

Wilderness and mountain views are some of the delights to behold in a French July. It is often a toss up to choose between heading to the top of a climb to watch the tour procession, or to make a stand elsewhere.

At least on one occasion you should be at a summit finish, or on a preliminary climb. Time, however, will not be on your side because you will only leave late that evening to go on to the next stage (if you have a car or camper van). A better suggestion is to get positioned near the bottom of the final climb in the village.

In a village, like Le Grand Bornand you have access to many activities and refreshments. There are often ski-lifts, bakeries, delicatessens, ice-cream, L'Equipe, tourist offices, bars, TV’s, shade, festivals, cool drinks, picnic spots, swimming pools, hiking paths – you name it.

A few hours before the cyclist approach then pack your daypack and walk 5-8 km’s up the climb for a good workout, especially if this exercise is additional to a morning ride.

If you are in a remote mountain top finish, you only have what you are carrying and potentially you may not even have access to a big screen or TV to watch the days approach.

Cycling Nations

Ever since the return to trade teams in the 1969 Tour de France, the thought of having national teams has been firmly buried. In the last few months this burnt Phoenix has been squawking.

Notably there has been talk of a British cycling team. There are enough pro’s of British descent to mould a team GB. Riders like Scot David Millar, Manxman Mark Cavendish, Geraint Thomas and Bradley Wiggins are all potential riders on this squad.

Katusha – the new Russki formation has also been promulgating its desire to form an eastern bloc team.

Astana is basically a national team – with a peculiar combination of a Belgian manager, a Spanish leader and baby-making Texan as the co-leader. Vino – the monosyllabic cyclist - is so popular that he could even manifest political desires in his country where its name - Kazakh - means “Man”.

The Basque riders of Euskaltel-Euskadi are a patriotic bunch of cyclists. There a no known links to ETA - the terrorist organization.

The organization of national teams is beset with polemic dilemmas:

• Vinokourov was given a 1 year ban by his fan worshipping national doping agency.
• The Orange clad riders could call on plastique explosive experts to resolve Pyrenean stages.
• Team GB will avoid races like the Sun Tour because of their lily white skins. Just look at Millar’s sun screen bill.
  

All cycling needs is another Cold War and the return of the Peace Race.

Keep national teams out of the ProTour – it will be a lot less messy and probably less bloody too.

Rock Steady Ship

When Rock and Republic tycoon Michael Ball started Rock Racing it was met with mixed feelings in the cycling community.

On the good side there was an injection of sexiness and showmanship into an otherwise traditional arena. His detractors, however, admonished him for using cycling as his own quick-win marketing fiefdom – with no regard for further sullying cycling’s name.

Most fans have stopped to dream of angels on wheels a long time ago. We have become hardened to the professionals who treat our sport with disingenuous disdain.

We understand Rock Racing's logo of a macabre skull with Gabriel’s wings. It is reflective of our sport today.

What I do have a problem with is Michael Ball's marketing men’s tagline – “Here to stay”. It reminds me of the Titanic’s claim to be unsinkable.

How many souls perished in that disaster?

Schumacker-ick-y

There is a man called Schumacker
Who is accused of being a bit of a doper
It was in the Tour

Where he won time trials galore
Whereas before he was more of a back-marker

Italian Inquisition

Cycling’s rogue gallery is swelling. The Italian Olympic Committee has recommended that Ricardo Ricco’s stick-like sidekick – Leonardo Piepoli - get a two year ban.

Piepoli is another rider along with Kohl, Schumacher, Duenas, Cobo and Ricco who treated us like fools. Forget polygraphing these idiots, they are so full of themselves and EPO that they won’t register a jot of guilt on the truth sheet.

I have come up with a plan, after studying hours of race footage, especially centered on the finale of a race, and the podium.

Here it is: any rider winning and not displaying genuine emotion after slogging over 220km’s of ragged-toothed terrain, or cyclists on the top step being indifferent will be reason enough to get Team Dracula to request a bloody sample on the spot.

This comes after watching the likes of Ricco and Piepoli soil the victory ceremony.

It may seem like a throwback to the Spanish and Italian inquisition, but cycling’s faith is at stake.

Enough of these specimens contaminating our sport!

Weight Watchers

Jan Ullrich suffered from Christmas pudding stuffing. Greg LeMond’s winter weight gain excuse was excessive cross-country skiing (adding bulk to his upper body).

Cycling is a sport as anal about weight as ballet dancing. Luckily ballerina’s can smoke as an appetite suppressant. Cyclists aren’t even allowed to take diuretics, and I haven’t seen a smoker in the professional peloton for as long as I can remember.

If there was ever a smoking contender, I would have to point at the chameleon like Dave Zabriskie. Puffing on a pipe would actually suit his All-American looks. I can imagine him pulling out a hubbly- bubbly at the back of the Garmin cruise-mobile, enticing some of his compatriots with his tentacled bong. Or perhaps he would be more (m) aligned to the Clint Eastwood style cheroot.

Regardless of smoking gammon or fat turkeys, more professionals are turning up at their off season camps as lithe as a southern-hemisphered Aussie. To me it sounds like a deprived Christmas. I, with both hands, will be eating mince pies like a Japanese hamburger-eating-world-champion.

Ode-erick to Corsa Rosa

The Giro d’Italia will start in Venice.
Rome replacing Milan for the final kermesse!
More favourites than the Tour are a gathering,
Will Basso or Armstrong be domineering?

Regardless the Giro for the tifosi is bliss.

Tour de France Tip of the Day: Go to the time trial start

Whenever there is a time trial – make sure you go to the start.

A lot of people distribute themselves along the route, or wait at the finish. However, by far the best place to be is at the start. It is here that you will be able to go to all the team buses and watch all the cyclists warming up. They are so close that you can easily get autographs and pictures.

The day is full of equipment and cyclist spotting. Keep a look out for bike customisations, such as paint-jobs and new disc wheels.

VIP's also abound at the start. It is easy to catch up with all their friends and ex-colleagues. At the Cognac start in the 2007 tour Lance Armstrong was seen in the Disco team car supporting Alberto Contador. Pat McQuaid is also often seen visiting the ProTour teams.

Being in a city or village allows a tourist to get a good cup of coffee or walk around the centre as the day unfolds. When the maillot jaune goes down the start ramp then you can dash to the brasserie and watch the excitement on a TV screen.

Wii Cyclists

Nintendo Wii injuries are becoming more prevalent in the computer household. I can imagine the emergency room nurse taking down the details of “how it happened.” No doubt the nurse will at least snicker and at worst burst out in laughter when you let on that your injury was computer-generated.

Smashing your computer rival in the face with a wireless tennis volley or putting out your back in an overambitious NHL puck-lunge have become common lounge disasters.

Just ask Mark Cavendish who recently injured his calf in the snowboarding computer game. This is almost as embarrassing as Laurent Jalabert’s light bulb changing accident.

When Wii brings out its Tour de France version make sure you and your team-mate avatars are ergonomically compatible, especially in the TTT. The emergency room nurse is unlikely to believe your version of events.