Armstrong vs. Contador

Intra-team politics are best left behind in cycling buses and three-star French hotel rooms. But sometimes, they are so large and menacing that they rupture into the mainstream and into our banal lives.

Pre Twitter and Post WWII there have been two other incidents of intra team rivalry. Stephen Roche and Visentini split their team in the Giro in 1987.

In 1986 Greg LeMond and Bernard Hinault travelled down the same rosy route.

The cycling world has never been the same since.

Analysis of these fallouts leads me to find some commonalities:

1. The biggest rift occur when cyclists are from different nationalities
2. Each must be a star in their own right (ego)
3. One always has an underdog mentality (or is a quieter type), the other seems almost regal in their right to reign supreme (they also generally have home advantage)
4. The underdog is the young pup
5. The underdog wins – this is when the rumpus occurs (Rule #1 never outshine the master)
6. Team management (including the directeur sportif) want the top dog to win
7. The team is split down the middle – very few riders sit on the fence (same applies to the fans)
8. The top dog never wins the same race again

Grand Tours Loom for Andy Schleck

All the Spring Classics have now passed. Off all the victors of the Classics only Andy Schleck is likely to contend for a Grand Tours podium to snuggle with his LBL win.

Schleck has been building his form in the shape of domestique work and occasional all-night rave parties in New York. Having a dad that also raced professionally, and Frank, his older brother bodes well for the 23 year old. His head is firmly on his shoulders, and his feet have dynamite.

In last years TDF he chaperoned his sibling through the Pyrenean and Alpine stages. This year Andy Schleck will be given wings. Frank disappointed last year, especially in the final time trial (even though the rumour is that he waited for Sastre to give the Spaniard a carrot to race against).

A big question on everyones mind is "Can Andy time trial against the best?"

My guess is that Saxo Bank and Astana are going to have a nuclear explosion in July. The fans can enjoy the fallout from the safety of their TV rooms.

Lance Armstrong Breaks Collarbone

Johan Bruyneel has just reported on Twitter that: "Crash update on Lance from Castilla y Leon: Clean collarbone fracture without complications. Should be fast recovery. More to come."

Good luck on your recovery Lance.

Voeckler is the Housewives Favourite

The psyche of the French nation is often hard to encapsulate . One moment you are King, and the next moment you may have your head on Robespierre’s spike.

This psyche can manifest itself in unusual ways. Take Richard Virenque’s huge fan base in France - the French menopausal housewife.

Richard would cry on cue and then gush on live television: ”My stage win is dedicated to my dead Grandma… she died 10 years ago…sob. Wait. It is also for my coach who died while giving me an EPO transfusion…sob.” Swooning and baguette dropping in the kitchen will occur during Richard’s post win ritual.

The incumbent housewives favourite is Thomas Voeckler. He has perfected the fine art of putting on a show for the cameras. If he isn’t at the front panting and pulling faces, he is gliding at the back of the peloton looking for the moto 2 cameraman.

Yesterday was a perfect example. He was showboating and yelling like normal at the front in a breakaway, and then got outwitted by another Frenchman Roy on stage 5 of Paris – Nice.

Then in today’s stage he was soft- tapping around the back of the peloton. He fell and damaged his collarbone. Now he is in a Hospital in Orange. French TV crews and housewives are probably queueing outside the hospital at this very moment.

Poor old Thomas.

P.S. It is unfortunate that he is reported to have a bad collarbone break. I wish him luck with a speedy recovery.

We and Lance

It was Paolo Bettini that did it the most. Interview after interview, he would use this reference to himself. It is one of my biggest bugbears. Bettini would refer to himself in the third person.

“Bettini will win the World Champs,” he would say. Or he would state proudly “Bettini is training well in California.”

It hurts the ear like tinnitus and causes my body to shudder uncontrollably.

I read about another cyclist who did the same. Ferdi Kübler – the famous Swiss cyclist. He is one of a few cyclists to win 3 Classics in a single year – 1951. He won Flèche Wallonne, Liège-Bastogne-Liège and the World Championships.

In one famous interchange on Mont Ventoux in the 1955 Tour de France Raphaël Geminiani warned Ferdi: “Careful on the Ventoux, it’s not like the others.”

Kübler replied “Ferdi too not like the others. Ferdi great champion.”

He blew up on the Giant of Provence and lost the stage.

He was heard to say: “Ferdi to old and sick. Ferdi committed suicide on Ventoux.”

Now we have another cyclist who is treading in this ego minefield. Proudly step in Lance Armstrong. The Texan is using "We" a lot. Now he could possibly be referring to his teammates at Astana, or his LiveStrong campaign. You make up your mind. It could also be the Royal "We".

All I can do is shake my head in dismay and wonder if all these users of the 3rd person are aware that this is the domain of royalty only. It is bad enough if the Queen uses the Royal "We".

Cyclists desist, I implore you.

David Zabriskie – The All American

There is something about Dave Z that is immensely likeable. There is a memorable quip after the London Prologue 2007 where a British reporter presumptuously asked, “Tell us about your disappointing ride.” Zabriskie answered “I never said I was disappointed, you did.” This was done in his Utahan drawl.
Another reason to like him is that he is a hard worker. He worked like a Trojan for Team CSC and gave up many chances for personal glory.

Before Landis’ fall from grace there was an excellent magazine article where Dave interviewed Floyd in a casual, tummy tickling repartee. Maybe it is because I am a WASP that I enjoyed their banter – but it is a better advertisement of intellect than say … some Spanish peasants who would be on the dole if it wasn’t for cycling. Not that intellect is a necessary factor for success – just look at … (self censored)

And he has a very attractive wife that fulfils the All-American hero tick box.

By all accounts his form is tip-top. His teammate Lucas Euser recently dropped subtle hints like: "Anyone who saw Dave train this winter knows that this guy means business and that he's the real deal. At training camp he was on fire and doing some really amazing things on the climbs."

Euser is proving to be right. Dave Z is sitting in biting distance of Levi Leipheimer after stage 2 of the ToC.

Levi is the shorter version of the All American hero, also with an attractive wife - except he is bald.

After overcoming maillot jaune tragedy, enslavement (to team leaders) and a broken vertebra Dave Z’s progress to the top step is returning. He is hot property again, and in an American team like Garmin-Slipstream he is sure to see more victories in 2009.

Crack Athletes

The professional peloton and a host of other sports, like rugby, swimming and croquet have all had cocaine positives. The problem lies in the nature of a full time crack athlete. The very nature of an athlete is obsessive/compulsive.

I haven’t taken cocaine. What for anyway.

My life has tumultuous highs and a few stupefying lows (not that I am bipolar) without any mind inducing drugs. Just two nights ago I stared at my ceiling for 4 hours because of mundane work stress and personal strife. On the way back home after finishing a 100km race on Sunday I rejoiced while listening to a Killer’s song. I hit an endorphin rush. No drugs required.

The problem is the professional athlete can’t handle the attention.

Sometimes the spotlight shines so bright that you can see the pores of the athletes’ skin. Other times the athlete is cycling for six hours in a basement in Chicago hidden from the media. Just take that bizarre cycling caricature – Ricardo Ricco. Only cycling with its slavish commitment and Spartan existence can conjure up an antagonist of his ilk. He was like a black-and-white Hollywood constructed Charlie Chaplin nemesis.

An unworldy adjustment to fans and media attention of the Tour de France kind is hard to handle. Damiano Cunego still lived with his parents up until a few years ago – like most Italian pros - even after he won the Giro. For goodness sake, grown Italian men need to have carnal relations in cars in alleyways.

Forget having WADA and Anne Griper. We need psychoanalysts of the Freudian kind nursing our fragile cyclists. Forget the whereabouts program and biological passports. What we need is Freud.


Wait a minute. I think he had a coke habit too.

Early season boredom

Most races leading up to the Milan - San Remo and the rest of the classics seem to be sprinters races. Podium places are full of Cavendish, Boonen and most recently Pettachi.

There should be a few more races that can present opportunities for the breakaway specialists and climbers. Even Allan Davis who took the Tour Down Under is actually a sprinter.

The race organisers should throw in a 5 – 8 km climb near the end of a few of these races – if possible. Qatar could build a monstrous ramp that could emulate an Alpine climb.

So while the likes of Cav and Tomeke add to their list of wins, it is up to the superior stage riders to hone their form. Patiently, they wait in the bunch knowing their turn will come.

What the classics and stage riders bring with them is emotion and stories. At the moment it is just a one liner – “So and so sprinter won.” But cycling is all about patience. And the foreplay to a great season has just begun.

Vive le cycling!

OUCH hip to be tested

Floyd Landis is returning to mainstream racing in the Tour of California. The Mennonite is low key in his approach, preferring to say that his return is not a comeback.

Something has been forgotten in his return. The man has had a hip replacement.

After breaking the neck of his femur and having necrosis (blood not circulating in bone) he needed to have an operation usually given to osteoporosis stricken grannies.

Just before his fall from grace at the 2006 Tour he gave a press conference to proclaim his attempt to return to top rung cycling after the hip injury. This became a medical marvel akin to cancer comebacks and shooting accidents (see Greg LeMond).

Now that the media limelight has been removed from “Flandis” this story may not get the attention it deserves. Feel good stories are a rarity. When they come along they should be milked.

His own marketing persona has also undergone a huge arc: from a jocular, intelligent, Mennonite’s son, overcoming a hip replacement; to a man with dubious morals, suspect friendships and slanty-eyed.

He did do this to himself.

Tour de France Tip of the Day: Chasing Hurricanes

It is possible to get to watch the start – or up to 30km’s away – of a stage and then make your way to the finish. This can be accomplished if a few basic steps are followed:

1. It must be a flat or transitional stage
2. The stage should at least 180km’s long, or more than 4 hours
3. Park you camper van or car off the route in a slipway before the stage begins, for a quick getaway
4. Pre-plan you route to the finish – giving a wide berth to the official parcours

This is as exciting as it gets. It feels like hurricane chasing, or like you are on “The Amazing Race.”

Nothing will go as planned. Traffic circles, road works and over-zealous Gendarmes will try flummoxing your every move through French countryside and villages. But determination will get you to the finish.

Quick pit-stops for food and libations will get the heart racing. Prepare yourself for explosive arguments between the driver and navigator. These rankles will be forgotten when you dart to the finish line and see Thor and Tom battle for Tour glory.

Be warned – this is only to be undertaken if you have had a medical and cleared by your doctor.

Tour de France Tip of the Day: Small towns show off more

If the stage ends in a small town that’s easily accessible – then make sure you go.

Following the Tour is about choices. Choices are cut down because of Gendarmes sealing access roads and the parcours being closed. These choices are made easier in the non-mountain stages because the town will generally have many routes to the town centre.

Small towns also show off more. All work comes to a halt – and a fête and street carnival are the result.

There are beer tents, bric-a-brac stores, French fries, souvenir shops, bands playing and everything you would expect at a festival.

The village puts on its best face. Make sure you get there to enjoy it.

Racing in the quiet

Stuart O’Grady commented on the quiet at the Beijing Olympic road race.

"It was like silent murder," he said.

Overzealous Chinese officials disallowed fans and family to get onto the course. Only lonely communist sentinels in yellow capes and faces draped the circuit.

It was called a ghost course.

This reminded me of the beginning of the season at the Tour of Qatar - except the only sign of supporters are bemused Arabs watching at a roundabout. At the finish area a desert tent full of the Emirs concubines and eunuchs seem to outnumber the timekeepers. Contrast this with the Tour Down Under about to kick off. Huge crowds are expected and excitement is at fever pitch.

The only silence will be momentary surprise when Lance Armstrong takes a stage win – and then it won’t be for long.

Perms are back

We have to be thankful that cyclist’s are obliged to wear helmets in road races. This is not necessarily for the safety factor – rather, it is to hide some unsightly hairdos.

The perm is back!

Franco Pellizotti has always had frizzy hair, so his hair cannot technically be called a perm, but recently there have been pictures of Mark Cavendish and 2008 Tour winner – Carlos Sastre adorning what look to be perms.

The Spaniard has recently left the confinement of self-professed mind-guru Bjarne Riis and settled for Cervélo TestTeam. And this is how he pays his fans back; with a hairstyle that can be best described as a vaudevillian perm.

The Cav has also allowed his curls to be styled in a somewhat perm fashion. It has made me run back in fear to the cycling archives and dig out the king of perms – Eric Vanderaerden.

His perm sits high above all the others. It is the quintessential perm - the one that all others copy. Unfortunately, Sastre and Co. look like they have done just that.

Find Carlos Sastre's perm at http://www.cervelo.com/riders.aspx#1

Tour de France Tip of the Day: Buy L’Equipe Newspaper

My French is limited to words like maillot jaune, etape, grand départ, dopage and grimpeur. With this limited vocabulary it is surprising that I can travel around France, even with incessant pointing, gesticulating and playing charades (is that a French word?).

In fact, this is the beauty of travelling. Being outside one’s comfort zone and extending your boundaries. And this is why I recommend that you buy the L’Equipe newspaper - for an adventure.

There are loads of pictures, the results section is perfectly legible and some of the graphics and charts are mind-boggling and totally unique. I have kept loads of these newspapers as Tour paraphernalia.

In 60 years time I hope my grand-son (or grand-daughter) dusts my Tour trinkets box open – and reveals my L’Equipe treasure trove, much like the character in “Amelie of Montemartre” does in the telephone booth.

Baden Cooke's Transfer Roulette

One of the unluckiest cyclist's must be Baden Cooke. He spent a year in the Unibet.com squad with all its gambling problems. Then he did a short stint with the on-again off-again Barloworld - and he left the Tour after an injury.

Now he has been shafted by Rock Racing and has moved to little known Italian squad Vacansoleil.

I have warned previously about Rolling Rocks tagline - "Here to stay".

If he was vegetarian, he probably would have signed up for the ephemeral Linda McCartney team.

Wii Cycling

Nintendo Wii has upset the couch-potato cart.

We have been starved for indoor exercise. Before Wii, we had Twister and Jane Fonda workouts. Most middle aged-men who participated in the lounge aerobics where mainly watching Hanoi Jane’s bouncing assets. Now we are calling out for Wii Cycling – the answer to busy roads and life schedules.

The hard truth is that Nintendo Wii and cycling are never likely to merge into a product. Some alternatives are suggested at the end of the article.

Nintendo's pitfalls are:

1. You need a bicycle – Nintendo don’t make white plastic moulds of bikes

2. You need to measure power from the back wheel – this is a specialty area that involves large investment from Nintendo

3. You need resistance – air guitar works; no-chain cycling doesn’t

4. Virtual reality software – riding along and seeing cartoon caricatures and Little Red Riding Hood is not what cyclist would like to see when they are training. The more real the better.

Never mind, there are alternatives already in existence. I happily use the Tacx trainer to web-race in virtual reality or for Real Life Video where I ride along the island of Majorca or some other pre-filmed route.

Check them out at: http://www.tacxvr.com/en

There is also CompuTrainer: http://www.racermateinc.com/computrainer.asp

Let me know if you find any others.

Tour de France Tip of the Day: Stay close to a Village

Wilderness and mountain views are some of the delights to behold in a French July. It is often a toss up to choose between heading to the top of a climb to watch the tour procession, or to make a stand elsewhere.

At least on one occasion you should be at a summit finish, or on a preliminary climb. Time, however, will not be on your side because you will only leave late that evening to go on to the next stage (if you have a car or camper van). A better suggestion is to get positioned near the bottom of the final climb in the village.

In a village, like Le Grand Bornand you have access to many activities and refreshments. There are often ski-lifts, bakeries, delicatessens, ice-cream, L'Equipe, tourist offices, bars, TV’s, shade, festivals, cool drinks, picnic spots, swimming pools, hiking paths – you name it.

A few hours before the cyclist approach then pack your daypack and walk 5-8 km’s up the climb for a good workout, especially if this exercise is additional to a morning ride.

If you are in a remote mountain top finish, you only have what you are carrying and potentially you may not even have access to a big screen or TV to watch the days approach.

Cycling Nations

Ever since the return to trade teams in the 1969 Tour de France, the thought of having national teams has been firmly buried. In the last few months this burnt Phoenix has been squawking.

Notably there has been talk of a British cycling team. There are enough pro’s of British descent to mould a team GB. Riders like Scot David Millar, Manxman Mark Cavendish, Geraint Thomas and Bradley Wiggins are all potential riders on this squad.

Katusha – the new Russki formation has also been promulgating its desire to form an eastern bloc team.

Astana is basically a national team – with a peculiar combination of a Belgian manager, a Spanish leader and baby-making Texan as the co-leader. Vino – the monosyllabic cyclist - is so popular that he could even manifest political desires in his country where its name - Kazakh - means “Man”.

The Basque riders of Euskaltel-Euskadi are a patriotic bunch of cyclists. There a no known links to ETA - the terrorist organization.

The organization of national teams is beset with polemic dilemmas:

• Vinokourov was given a 1 year ban by his fan worshipping national doping agency.
• The Orange clad riders could call on plastique explosive experts to resolve Pyrenean stages.
• Team GB will avoid races like the Sun Tour because of their lily white skins. Just look at Millar’s sun screen bill.
  

All cycling needs is another Cold War and the return of the Peace Race.

Keep national teams out of the ProTour – it will be a lot less messy and probably less bloody too.

Rock Steady Ship

When Rock and Republic tycoon Michael Ball started Rock Racing it was met with mixed feelings in the cycling community.

On the good side there was an injection of sexiness and showmanship into an otherwise traditional arena. His detractors, however, admonished him for using cycling as his own quick-win marketing fiefdom – with no regard for further sullying cycling’s name.

Most fans have stopped to dream of angels on wheels a long time ago. We have become hardened to the professionals who treat our sport with disingenuous disdain.

We understand Rock Racing's logo of a macabre skull with Gabriel’s wings. It is reflective of our sport today.

What I do have a problem with is Michael Ball's marketing men’s tagline – “Here to stay”. It reminds me of the Titanic’s claim to be unsinkable.

How many souls perished in that disaster?

Schumacker-ick-y

There is a man called Schumacker
Who is accused of being a bit of a doper
It was in the Tour

Where he won time trials galore
Whereas before he was more of a back-marker